To jump right in; There are days that I literally have thought that it would never be my turn. It will never be me announcing my pregnancy, I will never make it that far, I will never be a mom. It's as if I was almost expecting to miscarry before I was even pregnant. How abhorrent is that? The unavoidable pattern; Positive test, hear the heartbeat, miscarriage. Habitual disappointment. Of course, I had moments of hope, but deep down I kind of thought it would never be my turn. Seeing people announce their pregnancies on Facebook was a horrible trigger that led me down a dark place. I even deleted Facebook and Instagram for a few months after my last miscarriage. Social media is so dumb, but we are so attracted to perfection, that it has totally effing brain washed our minds as to what our lives "should" be. Can I hear an AMEN? Wow, Lo, calm down. What a discouraging introduction to such a momentous blog post. Shame on me. I think y'all know me well enough by now. I'm not a completely dispiriting person, I'm fairly optimistic, but I want to say it how it is, and dark humor is definantly a distinct trait of mine.
Anyways - to the good part of the post, here we are, PREGNANT. Yes, it's my turn to say it out loud. WE ARE PREGNANT! I never, and I mean never, imagined being 13 weeks pregnant and announcing it to the all of you. It's an amazingly bittersweet feeling. I cannot even begin to dive into the emotions i've encountered over the past 14 weeks. Probably different than most people would imagine someone who just found out they were pregnant was feeling. I explained it to my best friend as being numb to it all. I was protecting my heart. Protecting myself from a reoccurring heartbreak. But it's my turn. Oh my God, how amazing that feels to say. I find myself starting not to be able to control smiling and actually believing this is actual reality. We are so incredibly, enthusiastically, unbelievably excited. Of course, now the real anxiety begins; bring on the next 6 months, and then 18 years. For those of us who have experienced a miscarriage, the positive test or hearing the first heartbeat aren't celebrations, they are milestones of hope. Getting to that 12 week mark, was a challenge I wasn't willing to lose this time. For now, my husband and I can take a big breath of fresh air, we made it, the second trimester is here.
As excited as I am to finally tell all of you the classified information I've been secretly hiding, I really thought about how I wanted to approach this announcement. Like I mentioned in the beginning of this post, people announcing their pregnancies on social media was an instant trigger for me. I immediately thought about all of you gingerly waiting for your rainbow babies or waiting to get that positive test you've been anticipating for so long. This isn't a story of a husband and wife getting pregnant and announcing it to family and friends; this is a story of desire, up's and down's, heartbreak, and mostly patience. Please don't look at this post and be sad that another person announced a pregnancy, please look at this post to give you a deeper faith and stronger hope than ever. Oh, how my heart goes out to your grieving and heartache. Miscarriage and infertility are incredibly tragic journeys and I cannot wait to celebrate with you during your announcement. Believe me when I say, I pray for all of you every single day.
If you would've asked me 18 months ago when this journey began if I ever would ever of thought I'd be here, I would've said you are mad. No, not me. So for all of you out there that are reading this. Please don't give up hope. Please don't quit trying, believing, praying, and being the strong amazing humans you are.
But here we are, 13 weeks and we cannot wait to meet our rainbow baby this spring. I am so anxious to share this next chapter with you.
Stay tuned...
xoLo
