Today is November 1st. It's our due date of the baby we lost in the Spring. I've felt every single emotion imaginable, surprisingly not all of them bad. I've had some really low days, but also some really, really great days. Instead of packing my hospital bag and double checking everything is ready in the baby room, today I'm reflecting over the past 6 months. I wanted to unravel the truth behind miscarriage. I'm positive this experience is completely different for each person, but I know there are a few things we all feel.
I've concluded that when everything is going well, time flies and we thrive off of the brief memories of living through flashes of the greatest moments of our lives. As we replay those flashbacks over and over, we are filled with hope and excitement for the future. On the other hand, when we are going through adversity, time seems to move so slow. When will this end? Will I ever feel like myself again? How heavy and true is this statement? It's entirely typical in every aspect of life. When life is good, we are on top of the world. When we are struggling, the clock stops, we are stuck in this deep berth for what seems like forever and feel like we will never get out again. The worst pain of it all is waiting. Waiting to break free from the all the calamity and feel that good fortune again. That whole "my life sucks" when it totally doesn't, not one bit... We are stuck in a vicious cycle of wishing, comparing, and begging, instead of hope and gratitude. I think everyone can relate to this.
I decided I wanted to write this post to help me decode some of the emotions I've been feeling over the past few months. Hopefully, it will help someone else going through something much the same. You not alone and these feelings are OKAY.
Trying to get pregnant is stressful in itself. Trying to get pregnant after 3 miscarriages is mentally and physically depleting. I absolutely love it (total sarcasm) when someone tells me NOT TO STRESS. It's like telling me not to breath. How is that even possible? I just LOL'ed writing it; it's literally impossible. There are some days I feell like i'm going completely and utterly insane. I guess all I can do is try to disburse that stress with healthy distractions. (Go eat 25 donuts and a gallon of ice-cream... kidding) Don't ignore the stress, work through it. I'm still learning exactly how to do this everyday. Second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.
The stupidest part of this dumb thing is that I am so angry. I think most of the time when I cry, it's because I am so freaking angry at my body; I feel so much guilt. I don't even know why, because I can't control a damn thing. I guess, it's coming from a place of feeling like I'm letting people down. My husband didn't sign up for this. Would he still choose me again, knowing this was in the cards? He gets mad when I say this, but I can't help feeling it. My family and friends... How many more damn miscarriages can this girl have? I know they can only deal with so much. I even feel like i'm disappointing my acupuncturist (HUGE SIGH). They all have their own life and problems. I try not to bother them with mine. There's that word, bother? They all reassure me I'm not bothering them, but how can I feel like I'm not. I don't want people feeling sorry for me, but is that just unnecessary pride mistaken for trying to be strong? I really have amazing people in my life. When I have a bad day, I have a really bad day and my loved ones are always there. I guess these days are the ugly.
One week at church our pastor was talking about jealousy. This Sunday has stuck in my mind. It's' completely human to be angry at people for having things you don't have. (I'm not saying it's right, I'm saying it's human). THIS IS INSANE. Because Becky got cheer captain and you got cut from the squad, you hate Becky! Who can relate? What did Becky do to you? Everyone has a Becky; your best friend, your co-worker, neighbor, someone you don't even know... The truth is, i've totally felt it. I'm trying to be very conscious of this, and be on top of my feelings before I allow myself to feel any certain way (jealous) about people who have what I want (a perfect family). Being gracious and humble is totally a skill that can always be worked on. This truly applies to almost everyone, in any facet of life; work, school, home, friends, sports, ect. THIS IS SO UGLY. (poop face emoji) But we can work on it...
Just because I am strong and brave, doesn't mean I don't have moments of weakness, fear, confusion, or just feeling completely lost. My husband is one of the strongest people I know. In my eyes, he has dealt with this whole situation like freaking Batman; no fear, no weakness, no doubt; bring on the villains! But deep down I know he has bad days too, he's just way better at managing it. Me on the other hand, I have dealt with this more like a hormonal teenager. Strong on the outside, but just really emotional and maybe slightly dramatic on days. In a twisted way, this is the beautiful part of it all. Feeling all these emotions makes us human, and this is where we can all connect. I think when we can admit to feeling human-like and vulnerable, it makes us relatable. For the record; i'm really bad at vulnerable. For some sick reason, it makes us likable. We're not perfect, we have faults, people like faults. We're such a weird species. Don't be afraid to show your vulnerable side, the rest of us sick minded people will appreciate you more. The more we can lean on each other and share our stories, the more beautiful the story. You don't have to share it with the world, but maybe one person. I promise you're a lot stronger than you are weak, even on the days you don't feel that way.
Okay, the bittersweet. Let's break it down in layman's... It's both BITTER and SWEET. We've focused on the bitter enough already, and there is way, way more sweet. This has been a crazy, emotion filled journey and I'm defiantly not dealing with it perfectly. I want to be honest, I don't know if I would change our journey if I could. My wishful part says yes I would never go through this again, but the grateful part says that I do know it has gotten me to a level of strength and love that I didn't know I could feel. I'm not perfect at showing it, but I love my husband now more than I ever thought I could. We have become closer than ever and have a bond that is absolutely unbreakable. I don't know if I would be as appreciative if we didn't experience this together. The fact that he can love me through my worst of the worst days, is untouchable. I have gained a whole new respect on life and the people in mine. I'm really working on being intentional. I talked a lot about this in a previous blog. I am training myself to be grateful instead of wishful. It's really not easy, in fact it's super duper hard. Most importantly, I have this amazing mission from God. I'm able to work through this journey with other people, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
I read somewhere that experiencing a miscarriage is like losing someone close to you. If you have gone through something like this, you're feelings are all validated. I'm reminded daily that it's okay to have moments of weakness and still be so strong. The best thing someone has ever said to me was that I already have children, beautiful children, I just have not met them yet. It was the most peaceful thing I could hear at the time. No one will ever be able to sympathize with exactly where I'm at in my journey, but that's OKAY. I continue to surround myself with daily positivity. My time will come.
Photo by: The always amazing "Wolf House Photography"